Terrified Boy Employs Emotionally Manipulative Tactics to get Girlfriend to Dump Him

SILVERLAKE, CA — After six grueling months of intense passive aggressive behavior, Silverlake native Jim Benson finally succeeded in manipulating Debra Cohen, his girlfriend of two and a half years, into dumping him on Wednesday night.

“It‘s pretty surreal,” said an elated Jim. “I had forecasted the break-up to occur sometime between June 10th and 16th, but she got pretty mad after I accused her of flirting with her male co-worker on Instagram last Tuesday.”

Mr. Benson, who has been carefully curating his personal and online behavior for the last nine months to make his girlfriend dislike him more and more each day, went on to describe some of his cagey techniques. “Well for one, I stopped going with her to places, but would text her constantly when she was out. I also stopped taking her out on dates and accused her of wanting to see other people whenever the opportunity arose. If we ever did go out, I would be on my phone 90% of the time and just be an overall bummer.”

Although we were unable to get a hold of Ms. Cohen for this article, we were able to track down Monica Jones, her best friend of 8 years, to corroborate Mr. Benson’s claims.

“Oh, Jim was a total shit.” said Ms. Jones. “He never went out with Debra, but would text her constantly whenever she was out.” After some exhaustive digging, this reporter successfully procured exclusive texts between Mr. Benson and Ms. Cohen from earlier this year.

When asked why he wanted to break up with Ms. Cohen, Mr. Benson didn’t have much of a reply. “The whole relationship was getting pretty stale, I guess. She wanted to get married and have kids and I was like ‘Woah! Slow down!’ If we have a kid, whose going to take care of me?” When asked why he didn’t just break up with Ms. Cohen after realizing the two didn’t share the same long-term goals, Mr. Benson replied, “Oh, I would never do that. I’m sort of a nice guy.”

Indeed several women who Mr. Benson has been talking to on Hinge since late last December have confirmed that Jim seemed ‘like a nice guy.’ “He’s really sweet.” said Becky Craig, a 22 year-old from Orange County. “He said he’ll show me around LA once I move up after college!”

When asked how Mr. Benson plans to spend his nights and weekends now that he and Ms. Cohen have split, Mr. Benson said, “I’ve got all of those dating apps set up and firing daily. It’s my hope that I’ll find another bright-eyed, ambitious, and driven girl in the next few months to help with the rent and buy groceries.” The 38 year-old then went on to elaborate that his next relationship won’t be for too long, “I’m just not the kind of guy whose ready to settle down.”