Changing as a Person
And why so many people hate when you do it
At the start of my senior year of high school, I became very close with a fellow classmate, let’s call her Mary. Like me, Mary was more of “alt” kid. We sat in the back during classes, listened to bands like Senses Fail, and never, ever participated in extracurricular activities. Because we had the same, dry sense of humor and shared the same classes, our friendship blossomed quickly.
Mary lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn and a lot of the time she would talk about her Brooklyn friends, specifically one named Dave. Dave was super cute, a community college freshman, and according to Mary, “totally my type.” Mary was insistent on me meeting Dave and eventually dating him. Because I was 16 and had few hard opinions on anything other than the upcoming Harry Potter book, Dave and I began dating almost immediately after we met.
He was sweet and funny. We actually got along pretty well, but the more entangled Dave and I became (figuratively and literally), the more mine and Mary’s relationship fizzled. Once fast-paced, honest, and continuous conversation turned stunted, awkward, and infrequent. By the time Dave and I hit the one-month mark (a big relationship milestone for me at the time), Mary and I had stopped speaking all together. When asked why she no longer wanted to be friends, Mary ended a heated AIM chat with, “You’ve changed.”
Later that night, I vented to my Mom.
J: “She said I changed, of course I fucking changed I’m 16!”
M: “Jackie, there’s no need to curse, but also yes.”
J: “Fucking, thank you! For Christ’s sake, she’s the one who introduced me to Dave in the first place!”
M: “Jackie you have a point, but really, there’s no need to curse.”
J: “Ugh, I can’t believe her! I’m removing her from my top 8. What a fucking jerk!”
M: “Jackie! Stop fucking cursing!”
The origin of my potty mouth aside, my 16 year-old self had a point. Why should Mary be upset with me for dating someone who she introduced me to? Was it because I wasn’t hanging out with her as much? Was it because she actually had a thing for Dave? I’ll never know…
(Jk, I totally know. Several months later, after Dave and I broke up, him and Mary got together and totally spammed my Facebook page with pictures of them making out. Because their relationship was fueled by their mutual hate of me, they only lasted a couple weeks, but man the social media drama was intense!)
Anyway, as a teenager who had never experienced something like this before, I didn’t understand how the idea of “changing” could permanently alter the closest of relationships. Since my friendship with Mary fizzled out 11 years ago, the theme of people “changing” has both directly and indirectly affected my personal relationships more times than I can count. In an effort to understand why those closest to you react the strongest to a seemingly innocuous life adjustment such as a new diet, routine, or relationship, I’ve brainstormed three reasons behind their emotions.
But before we dive in, a necessary disclaimer:
I admit that I’m not guiltless in this human tendency. I’ve found myself irrationally mad or upset at friends, family, or partners for changing their habits and behavior as well. I’ll talk about these embarrassing instances in as much detail as I can, below.
So, without further ado, here are some reasons why “they” hate it when you change and grow as a person and why you hate it when someone in your life changes and grows as a person:
They want you to be predictable. Because nothing else in life is.
Throughout college, I had a long term boyfriend who lived 25 miles away from my campus and the home I shared with my parents. To maximize my time with this person who I foolishly let rob me of my most energetic, most impressionable, and skinniest years, I would take early morning classes so I could spend my afternoons and evenings hanging out with him.
After several years, hanging out in his basement bachelor pad instead of mingling with friends and classmates got old. To increase my extracurricular activity and to make myself more attractive to potential employers, I joined an academic club with some wonderful people that sucked up a good chunk of time. Coupled with classes, two part-time jobs and a ridiculous workout schedule I had adapted because I was “getting fat” (sidebar: I totally wasn’t), hangout time with my beau was harder and harder to come by. What made it worse was, he still demanded the same time from me every week. The more I expanded my horizons, the more he guilted me when I couldn’t make the 45 minute drive to see him after a long day.
Because this boyfriend didn’t have much going on in his life, he was desperate to cling on to our familiar routine. Because I was young, dumb and being emotionally manipulated, I let this go on for much longer than I should have. The more I altered our hanging out and phone call schedule, the more nasty he got. He was also upset (I think) because my actions reflected poorly on him. This brings me to my second reason —
It’s easier to accuse you of changing than to confront the fact that they are still in the same place, doing the same thing.
A common cliche I use all the time is, you’re the summation of the six people you spend the most time with. Essentially, the people you chose to be around reflect the person who you are and who you want to be. When someone in your core group alters that reflection in some way, good, bad or neutral, you react.
A couple of years ago, a best friend of mine started dating someone who didn’t get along with our collective group of friends. Why? Honestly, I’m not sure; we just didn’t like him and he didn’t like us. The more my friend dated this person, the more she picked up his habits, sang his praises, and spent more of her time away from us. To my ragtag group of (mostly) single friends, this was profoundly annoying. How could one of our best, longtime friends chose to date someone who we loathed so much?
Since so many people were involved in this friend group division, it’s hard to nail down the specifics of what happened over the course of several months. However, it did result in my friend’s painful and awkward separation from the rest of the group, myself included.
Speaking for myself, I can tell you that a lot of my distaste for my friend’s new boyfriend came from the fact that I’d been single myself for several years. While I was mostly content with swiping on Tinder in between standup sets on weekday nights and drunken improv shows on the weekend, it hurt me to see one of my closest friends fall head over heels for a new guy. This wasn’t the only reason I disliked him, but my low-key jealously prevented me from putting my irrational feelings aside and being there for a friend who really needed me. Not only was she being alienated by me, but by like, 10 other people. It sucked and I still regret how things played out to this day.
Letting emotions get in the way of what we know is the right thing to do brings me to my third, and final, reason —
They’re selfish. Your change is effecting their life and not necessarily in a positive way.
A couple of years ago, I was in a very close, very supportive and very, very fun improv group. One weekend, we decided to do an extended beach trip down the shore. We wanted it to be a low-key weekend so naturally, we bought enough bargain beer and liquor to stock a frat house for a month. What’s the worse thing that could happen when you throw eight big and inebriated personalities in a tiny condo for several days, right?
Upon arriving at our budget-friendly vacation destination, one of our teammates announced that he wouldn’t be drinking during the trip because he felt he needed to “take a break from alcohol”. Naturally, I responded with a very understanding and empathetic response, right?
Yeah, nope. I shamed him into oblivion.
I threw every excuse I could think of, “Ugh! But you’re on vacation!”, “So what? You’re just going to be sober all weekend? Lame.”, “Ugh, you’re no fun. Why did you even come?” Three years later, I still cringe when I think about it.
Not only was my retort completely insensitive, but the only reason I was urging my teammate to partake in copious amounts of alcohol consumption was because I was about to partake in copious amounts of alcohol consumption. His choice to abstain from alcohol caused me to do some serious introspection that I didn’t like (have I been drinking too much?) and instead of facing some hard truths, I decided to berate and belittle a dear friend.
The takeaway from this is change sucks, especially when it’s those closest to you changing and not yourself. While a dear friend’s life change is bound to effect your life in some way or another, it’s important to remain supportive and grounded in reality.
Have you ever had someone in your life resent you for changing, or have you resented others for changing? Let me know in the comments! I’d love to know how you dealt with it and how you think of it now in retrospect.
