Amazon Installs over 10k Drones in Whole Foods Market to Discourage Salad Bar Grazers
Los Angeles, CA — Since announcing it’s purchase of Whole Foods for a whooping $13.4 billion, E-Commerce and cloud computing behemoth Amazon has wasted no time in making what it considers to be ‘necessary’ improvements to the upscale grocery chain. During a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos disclosed that after doing a considerable amount of covert research, his team discovered that Whole Foods loses close to $5 billion annually on salad bar grazers. “These are what we like to call ‘grocery store leeches’,” said Bezos during a press conference this morning. “They come into one of our chains and circle the salad bar as they sneakily snack on tofu. Using Amazon’s sophisticate drone technology, we hope to eradicate this problem.”
Starting as early as today for some west coast locations, Whole Foods regulars will be surprised to find at least three drones silently hovering over their local Whole Foods salad bar. Reports are pouring in from shoppers nationwide claiming that if a drone detects someone grazing at the salad bar, a piercing alarm rings accompanied with an automated message that plays, “Hey!…Hey! Stop it! No! Stop it! Bad! Bad Human! Bad!” Local Hollywood resident and aspiring actor Amy Yates was one of the first Los Angeles residents to experience this new form of drone-shaming. “I was humiliated. The whole store looked at me with this judge-y stare and I couldn’t handle it. I abandoned my shopping cart full of Yerba Matte and organic, free-range cashews and ran out of there into the neighboring Trader Joe’s. I don’t think I’ll be able to show my face there again.”
Drones are expected to be rolled out to all Whole Foods locations by early next week. In a response to the salad bar grazing crackdown, Costco has offered to lower it’s yearly membership fee to shamed Whole Foods customers. In an official statement Costco said, “Here at Costco, we believe that all of our shoppers should enjoy a lunch comprised of at least 20 ultra-processed frozen food samples. We welcome the shamed food grazers of Whole Foods with open arms.”
