A series of observations from an exhausted and exasperated citizen

I’ve been thinking a lot about politics lately. Not because I want to, but because I feel that I have to. I love my country, and as a citizen, it’s my duty to hold it to a high standard. And right now, I think America is in the “first couple years out of college” phase and needs to stop blacking out at company happy hours.

I’m on the progressive side of the political spectrum and I’m not here to talk about whether the Green New Deal or affordable health care is a good idea, (it is) but instead, I want…

What my spontaneous engagement taught me about commitment

Let’s get one thing clear, when my ex fiancée asked me to marry him at Black Rock City on Saturday, September 4th, I wasn’t exactly sober.

It was ‘Burn Night’ at Burning Man, an annual music and arts festival that takes place in the Black Rock Desert. A good friend of mine once described Burning Man as ‘Halloween on Mars,’ I like to call it ‘one of the best (or worst) things you’ll ever do.’

If you’re reading this in hopes of learning what Burning Man is like, I suggest you go somewhere else. Hundreds of people before me have…

SILVERLAKE, CA — After six grueling months of intense passive aggressive behavior, Silverlake native Jim Benson finally succeeded in manipulating Debra Cohen, his girlfriend of two and a half years, into dumping him on Wednesday night.

“It‘s pretty surreal,” said an elated Jim. “I had forecasted the break-up to occur sometime between June 10th and 16th, but she got pretty mad after I accused her of flirting with her male co-worker on Instagram last Tuesday.”

Mr. Benson, who has been carefully curating his personal and online behavior for the last nine months to make his girlfriend dislike him more and…

And why so many people hate when you do it

I don’t know if this gif necessarily fits, but it’s one of my favorites so….

At the start of my senior year of high school, I became very close with a fellow classmate, let’s call her Mary. Like me, Mary was more of “alt” kid. We sat in the back during classes, listened to bands like Senses Fail, and never, ever participated in extracurricular activities. Because we had the same, dry sense of humor and shared the same classes, our friendship blossomed quickly.

Mary lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn and a lot of the time she would talk about her Brooklyn friends, specifically one named Dave. Dave was super cute, a community college freshman, and according…

An unabridged and improvised approach to self love from someone who has a tremendous amount of difficulty with self love.

I hate myself. This isn’t news, I’ve written extensively about hating myself here and even made a web series about hating myself here. I compare myself to everyone and live in constant fear that I’m not good enough. Sometimes, when my feelings of inadequacy get so bad, I actively distance myself from the people who do love me because I don’t want them to be disappointed when they eventually find out how much I suck. During a recent spell of feeling down and out, I thought about my mom and how much she loves and supports me no matter what…

A photo of the first drones installed above a Los Angles Whole Foods hot food and salad bar.

Los Angeles, CA — Since announcing it’s purchase of Whole Foods for a whooping $13.4 billion, E-Commerce and cloud computing behemoth Amazon has wasted no time in making what it considers to be ‘necessary’ improvements to the upscale grocery chain. During a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos disclosed that after doing a considerable amount of covert research, his team discovered that Whole Foods loses close to $5 billion annually on salad bar grazers. “These are what we like to call ‘grocery store leeches’,” said Bezos during a press conference this morning. “They come into one of our…

LOS ANGELES, CA — After a grim few months of writing a spec script, attempting to write a pilot and churning out new material for her monthly sketch show, aspiring comedy writer Jackie Rae Aubel came to the conclusion that nothing, in fact, is funny. “It‘s weird’,” Ms. Aubel remarked to reporters stationed outside of her Valley Village residence. “A couple of months ago, I found a lot of things funny. Today, I tried to make a joke about Trump — like everyone else — and found that I didn’t find the topic remotely funny.” In addition to finding absolutely…

(And why it didn’t work.)

I grew up in Flushing, Queens. (Like ‘The Nanny’)

Actual footage of me on prom night.

As a born and bred New Yorker, my adolescence was a lot different from those who grew up in small towns or suburbs. Instead of drinking Smirnoff Ice in someone’s basement, I spent my early teens zipping back and forth from Middle Village to Long Island to see pop punk bands in VFW halls and church basements. On the weekend, I would venture into St. Mark’s Place in Manhattan where I would drop what little money I had on a new piercing or a fresh pair of bondage pants.

When I…

And how they send me spiraling into a deep depression several times a year.

A photo of me from Christmas 2015.

A few days ago, I read a post on one of my favorite subreddits (r/ShowerThoughts) that enabled me to finally articulate the way I feel about the holidays.

The post was titled:

“Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.”

After reading the title several times to myself, I exclaimed it aloud in my car, alone, at a red light. Finally, someone had strung together the right words to perfectly encapsulate my feelings about Christmas. The dread and anxiety I’ve felt about the end-of-the-year holiday was now narrowed down in one simple, concise and perfect statement. A perfect statement…

Instills Fear and Anxiety in Ragtag Group of Employees

LOS ANGELES, Ca. — Employees of music streaming startup ‘Lstn’ collectively soiled themselves on Friday, November 4th at 4:00PM when one of their top angel investors popped in for a ‘surprise’ visit. “We were totally caught off guard.” says Front-End Developer Matt Hoffman. “We already started our Friday wind-down ritual of shotgunning beers and playing with our new VR system when all of a sudden, some old guy in faded jeans and a $200 sweatshirt from Top Shop walks in and says, ‘Sup’.”

Most employees ignored the inquisitive 49 year-old in faded Kanye West jeans upon his arrival. “We just…

Jackie Rae Aubel

Writer. Comedian. Podcaster. Marketer.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store